It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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