Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
