nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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