Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
