the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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