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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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