Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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