Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
