Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
