Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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