Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
