On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
