You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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