bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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