I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
