I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize