My room smells like vodka and shame
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
