He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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