Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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