Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
