"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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