I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
