new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
