Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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