Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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