Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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