You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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