just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
