my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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