so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
