Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
