i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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