I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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