New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
