When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
