dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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