Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
