mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
