Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
