Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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