why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
