I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
