If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
