No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
