On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
