i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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