He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
