Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
