my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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