Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
