Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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