Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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