My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
