My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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