She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
