so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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