I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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