Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish i was in the wii world.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
