So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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