I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
