College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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