Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
