my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize