I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
