So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
