Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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