I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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